I need help.
The pink cloud I was swept up in has since dissipated. For the uninitiated, I’ll explain what a pink cloud is. It’s what happens when many individuals first get sober. Abandoning substance abuse and engaging in the real world can bring forth a surge of happiness, making one feel high on life, so to speak. But it cuts both ways, and that sudden engagement with reality can also foster some mighty unrealistic expectations. It can also distract one from the looming challenges ahead. Eventually, all the damage the addict caused will come into focus, and need to be answered for.
When I first got clean I felt overwhelming gratitude for each day. “How am I still alive?” I would wonder, gleefully, before traversing the hours ahead. This sense of gratefulness propelled me through good moments and bad, as I was able to stay focused on my blessings and opportunities. I have a son. He’s amazing. I have family and friends, purposeful work, and a chance to live my dreams. All good things. In the early days of my recovery I was able to clutch these truths close to me. But I knew that someday I’d have to pay for my drug-addled shenanigans, and the check has finally arrived.
The terms of my probation make for a never-ending grind. Drug court affords me the unique opportunity to be a defendant every Tuesday afternoon. It’s stressful. And it’s not as simple as just doing the right thing and staying out of trouble. There is some subjectivity involved with the process. I never feel entirely comfortable because of it; maybe that’s by design.
I have bills out the wazoo. Besides the monthly albatrosses of rent, utilities and groceries, I have credit matters to consider. As for those, I’ll put it this way: I’ve been praying that someone would steal my identity. They’d surely be in a hurry to give it back, and my credit score could only boomerang to me higher than it was before it got hijacked.
I feel alone. Although I do have friends and family, as I stated above, and I remain terrifically thankful for them, I often feel alone. Addiction, it is said, is a disease of isolation. I managed to alienate myself from everyone who mattered to me over the course of my incredibly successful career as a drug addict. As a result, I’m not sure whether or not I have a single relationship today that features mutual trust. Trust is very important. I can feel the void its absence has left inside of me.
So, I need help.
I need help keeping my focus on the road ahead, rather than the destruction behind me. I need help becoming a regular guy, instead of a regular pain in the backside. I need help remembering what is important in this life: love, health, freedom—simple things. I need help maintaining gratitude for the abundance of such this life has indeed given me.
I cannot do this alone. I will not do this alone. Now that the pink cloud has floated on, I can see that I need help.
Email Tim at tct@pageone-inc.com.